Sunday 11 March 2012

NOT Ok Cupid.

With online dating, you have to take the rough with the smooth. You know you're probably going to get a few dodgy messages. Some of them can be quite funny, even though you know you won't ever reply. Some will be just pointless like 'Hi you look fit', so you don't reply because... well, that's nice to know, but it's not exactly a conversation starter is it? Some will seem fine but will soon descend into surreal town. Some are a bit overkill, eager beaver, some are just crude, some can be actually a bit nasty!

So I want to draw your attention to a particularly strange case, which hopefully will share some laughs. It certainly perplexed me.

The first message I got, he seemed lovely. Quite attractive, intelligent, funny and attentive - he had actually read my entire profile and was commenting on what I was saying in it. So far, so good. Except - his first message to me was SEVEN paragraphs long. And each paragraph had at least 3 sentences in it. Now, we all hate a short message, but sometimes, long ones are a bit worse. It was very overwhelming. A quick look at his profile showed me more - a lot more. I've never seen a profile so long winded and essay-like. Pages and pages of it. And every question he had answered (on Okcupid you answer questions about yourself and can explain your answer - most people don't) he had a detailed explanation of why he had chosen that. How much time does this guy have on his hands?! He mentioned in his message that he was just looking for friends so 'no pressure' - but I've heard that before, and it's a good tactic to not come across too strong. Either way, the length of his message and keenness showed me that he was probably looking for more than that.

But no matter. As I said, he still seemed nice. On the particular day he sent that message, I was insanely hungover, so couldn't be arsed to string a coherent sentence together let alone muster the energy to reply to everything he said.

The next day, I got another message from him. "My message/profile wasn't too long was it? Just because as I said, you seem pretty cool and it'd be nice to chat, if Skype/something else like that would just be easier"

So, we're on to second message, no reply from me, and you're already suggesting Skype. Okie doke. I replied as I was now feeling more human, answered a few of his questions, asked a few of my own, such as "How was your weekend anyway?", standard.

I then get FOUR messages back from him in the space of an hour. The first one was fine, although said "DO you have Skype/Gchat at all? you can chat in the browser like on Facebook - I've stopped using Facebook though so that's a no go." I'm like, hold on - I'm not comfortable with giving out all these details here.

The next message said that he forgot to answer my question, and he proceeded to ramble about his ex girlfriend, and how he apparently was totally over her (?!)... then the third message was all, oh sorry for the multiple messages, do you have twitter? Mine is xxx, follow me! Wow. The FOURTH message was a 'Just a bad spelling error I saw' and then corrected some trivial thing he said. GODDDD. One message is enough! Jeez.

So, basically, I didn't reply for a while. Way too intense. In the end I felt a bit guilty about not replying because he was genuinely quite nice, just a bit off-putting. So this is what I said, in a nutshell:

"I think, to be quite honest, I haven't replied because I've been a little intimidated... not just with your lonnnnng profile and 4 messages in quick succession but also how you're very quick to mention your ex... I know it says in your profile that you don't see it as a problem talking about exes but you need to remember that some people do. And starting a sentence with 'I learnt that I'm totally over my ex' probably means that you're totally NOT over your ex. Or that's how it comes across anyway.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind my rather uncalled for and probably incredibly rude feedback. I didn't want to just ignore your messages...Good luck with it all, god knows online dating is a horrific minefield at the best of times, and I certainly don't think of myself as the know it all guru of how to get by on okcupid. I've been doing this for over a year, so by default I must be doing something wrong right? ;)"

Which I thought was perhaps a bit cheeky, but I wanted to give him a heads up - I genuinely wished him well with it all. Anyway, he then replies (which I didn't expect him to do), with something along the lines of this:

"Sorry if you took that the wrong way, but I was only being honest with you. Probably wouldn't have mentioned the ex if I was actually looking for someone though; it's a bit irrelevant really anyway, so long as you didn't assume I wanted more from knowing you - which apparently you did :-/ sorry for the misunderstanding! So maybe if you're having some problems, try just being more open/honest yourself, instead of shutting down whole parts of yourself, and maybe there wouldn't be any more misunderstandings between you and people about what you each wanted from each other? I didn't actually think I'd end up liking you more than a friend anyway, so honestly, sorry if you were at all thinking different til I mentioned my ex.."

What ze fuck? Hilarious. He's actually giving ME advice. I'm not a pro at dating (otherwise I wouldn't be doing it!) but I like to think I don't send multiple messages and scare people off then shoot them down for trying to point them in the right direction. Plus, I can't believe he said he didn't think he'd end up liking me more than a friend anyway; what's the point in that? Why message me in the first place? I said "Ok, but you can see how I thought that right, considering this is a dating site? For people to get dates? Obvs friends is great but the word 'cupid' in the name kind of gives it away" Back to him -I'm not crazy in thinking that surely? Why would you be on OkCupid if you're just looking for friends?? I know he said it at the beginning but I didn't think he MEANT it. Dating sites are for dating, surely?

Then he says: "Sorry, but I don't really see how it's that obvious? You chose to look for 'friends' as well as the other dating options? Plenty of people seem to have platonic profiles, anyway..maybe that's where you're going wrong with this thing? Take those options off if you just wanna date, but even then, just relax, meet some people THEN decide on the dating thing when you know them a little bit :-p that's generally how it works in real-life best anyway, no?

I know it's got 'cupid' in the title, but PornHub is hardly all por..actually fair enough on that point :-p"

It just gets worse. I've NEVER seen anyone on a dating site with a platonic profile. Have you? Please, prove me wrong. I'm so baffled.

I didn't reply to that, because I didn't really want to get into an argument with the guy, or waste my time on someone who essentially just confuses me with everything he says. PLUS the porn comment was a bit left of field I thought? Weird.

Anyway, fast forward to last weekend, and he pops up on Chat. He says hi how are you? like everything is normal. I say hello, yes good you? He asks me about my weekend, I don't reply for a bit, suddenly he sends me a link. I click on it without thinking (sunday brain) and it takes me to a porn vid site. WHAT. Then he's like, oh, don't click on that sorry, and I'm like, "too late. What the hello was that?"

WHO DOES THAT. Especially with the pornhub comment, makes me think it wasn't such an accident. Strange, strange strange.

And thus, these are the pitfalls of online dating. Yes, the world is your oyster, but sometimes those oysters and rotten and make you feel sick. Have you ever had strange messages sent to you? Do share, let's all feel the pain.

x