Monday 2 January 2012

The 'C' Word.

Found here.
It's the time of year when we reflect on things that have passed, and think about what's to come. Even if you're not making resolutions, you're probably thinking about things you want to do differently this year, or achieve, or simply to be a better person. You know, that ol' chestnut.

I want to talk about the C word. Celibacy.

Even saying the word feels awful. It's funny how such an intrinsically pure, chaste word can feel so shameful and dirty. I imagine that admitting to someone that you are celibate, for whatever reason, somehow evokes a much worse reaction than if you were to admit to being a promiscuous sex addict. You'd probably get less understanding, anyway.

The definition, in most English dictionaries, is as follows:

Celibacy [n]
the state of abstaining from marriage and sexual relations: a priest who had taken a vow of celibacy
So. By definition, celibacy is a willing thing - you make a conscious decision not to have sex, therefore, you are celibate. But, what if you are someone like me; Someone who would, actually, love to be having sex, but somehow isn't, and amazingly, hasn't for over 3 years. What then? Am I to be defined as celibate? Or just having a very unlucky, admittedly occasionally self-inflicted, 'dry patch', as it were?

Even admitting this to you, dear readers, as an anonymous, faceless girl, is difficult. I have told my close friends, as and when the conversation arises (usually to gasps and desperate faces of untold pity, sometimes even disbelief, which is nice), but I'm not particularly proud of it, so I try not to tell anyone, if I can help it. It's not a religious decision. It's not an 'I hate all men', decision (I don't, some are lovely), and it's not a I-still-hold-a-candle-for-my-ex decision. I think. I'm sure if you sat me in a psychiatrists chair you'd get all kinds of crazy shit coming out. Let's not dwell on that.

It's not even any kind of decision, really. Not consciously anyway, I think. I hope. Otherwise I'd be effectively sabotaging myself, and that's not cool. But it's difficult. Especially when we live in such a hyper-sexualised culture, where seeing sex on telly, in adverts, hearing about it in songs, in magazines, in the clothes we are force-fed by the high street and sex oh-so-readily-available on the Internet is so completely and utterly normal that anyone not having sex every minute of the day is bound to feel like they're missing out. So what of us? Of me, and countless others, who aren't having sex, not because they don't want to (we do) but because we can't just fling ourselves at anyone, no matter what Rihanna wants to make us believe?

And this is why I'm grappling with the C word. The clue in the definition is abstaining - and to abstain you have to make a conscious decision not to do something. Well, I haven't made a conscious decision to never have sex, but I do know I hate one night stands. I can't sleep with any random guy, hot or not, that I've just picked up in a bar. I cannot, and will not. It's awful, and frankly, a bit rubbish. I like sex. I bloody love sex actually, from what I remember of it, and I'm no quiet mouse in the bedroom, (as previous housemates can attest to, I'm sure...) but I like to do it with people I'm comfortable with. Who I fancy a bit, and who I've known for more than five minutes. I don't think I'm the only one, right? I wish I could do one night stands. They seem like a lot of fun. On the telly, etc. But all the ones I've had have been terribly disappointing, if not a bit weird, and often leave me staring at the ceiling at 5am praying for daylight to come. Perhaps I've just been with the wrong people. Perhaps it's me.

So, by making this decision to only have sex with people I have some sort of valid relationship with/have dated a few times/etc, am I effectively abstaining? Because these people I speak of, that I am only letting myself sleep with, don't exist. Not at the moment anyway, and they haven't for three years. I say to myself that it's through no fault of my own, just a catalogue of errors*, but surely, I have myself to blame? If I really, really wanted to sleep with someone, wouldn't I just do it? Wouldn't I just go out and find someone? It's not particularly hard. I'm certainly lucky enough to look alright in the face department, I'm not obese (unless Christmas has had it's wicked way) and I own clothes and I wash myself, so someone would, statistically, take me home. Surely.
 
(*It's more bad luck really. The last guy I slept with, it all went a bit wrong, halfway through my third year at Uni, so I put men to the back of my mind and focused on my degree for the last 6 months of my time there. After graduating I moved back home for a year - no chance of pulling anyone while living with the parentals, away from all friend contact. After that I moved to London - where I have been for 18 months - and then started dating, properly looking for someone. Not found them yet.)

But I don't want to just 'take someone home'. So this strange 'Accidental Celibacy' thing seems to have crept up on me, and I'm a bit worried it's here to stay. I'm now not only petrified of being single forever, I'm petrified I'll never have sex again. Double paranoia. Pass the paper bag. Oh God.

So what to do? In the spirit of New Year, I should probably try a new tactic. Maybe I should try the whole one night stand scenario again. *shudder* Not that I'd have any idea how to actually make that happen. I'll carry on with the dating, hopefully get past 4 dates (that's not a rule or anything, that's just the highest amount of dates I had with someone in 2011...) and something will happen eventually. Right?
 
Here's to actually having sex in 2012. Cheers!

7 comments:

Girl In A Spin said...

I think the very fact that you don't enjoy one night stands per se would suggest that they're not going to be the right road for you. If good sex to you is linked intrinsically with some sort of relationship and emotion/trust, then why would you fight yourself about it? You can never be wrong about your own feelings afterall...

Anonymous said...

Ah .. the 'C' word. I remember when the 'C' word used to stand for 'cancer' .. now, of course, there are books, TV shows, celebrities, even films ('50/50') talking about it.

Not celibacy, though .. apparently, EVERYONE is having sex, ALL THE TIME. It's as simple to procure as a pint of milk, and about as ubiquitous.

Yeah, right.

"... I like to do it with people I'm comfortable with. Who I fancy a bit, and who I've known for more than five minutes. I don't think I'm the only one, right?"

You're not alone in wanting, NEEDING, an emotional connection; there are many of us, a substantial minority (perhaps made up of fellow introverts), for whom physical connection is only enjoyable with an emotional/mental connection. I've been celibate for over a year now; a necessary fallow period I've felt, after a long relationship, and am opening up to the possibility of a physical relationship again. Although it wasn't a fully 'I'm not having sex for a while' conscious decision, it was a 'I will wait until I'm emotionally secure enough for it to happen' decision :)

Perhaps you've just needed time to heal, develop yourself, put yourself first for a while (though I AM intrigued by "I'm sure if you sat me in a psychiatrists chair you'd get all kinds of crazy shit coming out. Let's not dwell on that." For the record, you're only as 'damaged' as you perceive yourself to be.)

One-night stands will, I sense, damage your self-esteem even further. Be gentle with yourself, seek new ways (non-dating ways) to meet other people (Citysocialising.co.uk, courses, etc), and pick up a copy of The Single Trap by Andrew G Marshall (a Relate counsellor for 25 years). You're not alone [hug].

xx

Anonymous said...

I feel exactly the same. After a few failed relationships, I tried a one night stand as I thought that’s what happens now, it does on the TV right? You meet Mr Right, fall into each others arms and you both just know and you live happily ever after! But in today’s society everything has changed, when men can get free sex, they can go to any club and pull. It’s all about the chase for them, if they can get sex easily, they don’t know you so have no emotional ties, they don’t know if you do this with every man you meet and they have put no effort in whatsoever, so believe they can do it all again with someone new next week. I now use it as a measure, if they can’t wait, and are not prepared to put the effort in, then they are not worth it. The bad news is I’ve been celibate for 5 years, but what’s the alternative, more heartache? Just go out, have fun, enjoy your life, it’s not all about men.

Single Girl said...

Girl in a spin - Yes, I do agree with you, and I can see in myself that that's probably the issue; I don't want meaningless sex, therefore the other kind is much harder to come by. And therein lies the problem - I really want to be having sex, but I just can't bring myself to sleep with randoms. It's a pickle.

Sewtired - Completely. After the whole Robert/Edward saga (which essentially robbed me of all self esteem and self belief) it took me a long time to even be ready to look for other people. Now I am, and I still can't find the rigth time/inclination to just have random sex. I wish I could. I really really wish I could enjoy one night stands. Maybe I have to wean myself on them, like some kind of reverse drug dependency.

Interesting how you mention 'fellow introverts' though - I would say that I am categorically an extrovert. I bloody love attention, me. Heh. But seriously, that is interesting. Because I'm not shy, I'm the first one on the dance floor, the first one to start the kiss... I just can't take it any further. I have the FEAR.

Anonymous - I don't think this is necessarily a male vs female thing - I have loads of single girl friends who willingly pull a guy purely for a one night stand. Yes guys get away with it more, and *tend* not to develop emotions over it, but still. My issue is simply that I am not that girl, and I really want to be. I love sex. Crazy sex. It's great. I'm just so damn scared of doing it with someone who I don't know. And unfortunately (or fortunately) no amount of alcohol will persuade me otherwise.

It's like the two sides of my being are completely at odds with each other, and the issue of sex with strangers is where they fight the most. Very annoying.

Thanks for all your comments so far guys. Certainly food for thought....

Anonymous said...

I wonder if the problem is general intimacy, which is reflected in the sexual arena?

We all have the battle between our libidos and common sense (base vs higher self) - it's called being alive - but what you most seem to crave is to know, and BE known, perhaps? So your self-defence mechanism, fear, stops you at the point where you know, deep down, to proceed further may actually be damaging to you?

It takes a great deal of self-assurance/compartmentalisation to separate the act from the symbolism when it comes to sex; I think it CAN be learnt, but I'm not yet convinced you really want to.

xx

Single Girl said...

Maybe, I'm not sure. That's an interesting point. I'm definitely aware that sex in the past has damaged me emotionally so maybe it is the typical cliche thing of being scared of getting hurt/left alone again.

Yeah, I tend to agree. I'd much rather have sex with people I care about. But when those are lacking, and have been for so long, it makes me think, god, just find someone and get it over with.

I think society definitely makes it worse. A while back it would have been fine to not have sex betwixt bfs but now it's a cardinal sin. Like you're less of a woman if you can't explore your sexuality without caving in and falling in love like a sissy.

I ordered that book off Amazon btw - I shall read it and let you know!

Anonymous said...

I haven't had sex since 4 years ago.

I'm coming to terms with being a cat lady forever.

I love your blog.