Friday 28 October 2011

My First Dating Horror Story; The Crazy American, Part 2

And so, on with the story! Read Part 1 of this comedy of errors right here.

You might remember we somehow ended up in Starbucks. I'm not one to be defeated early (oh no) so we sat down and got chatting. I had realised early on that even though he said he was American, his accent was... strangely not. I asked him why this might be. "Oh, it's a really complicated story, I'll tell you when I've had some caffeine in me."

He drinks his soy latte. (Ew.)

"Well, basically, my parents got divorced when I was young, they lived in America, my mum moved back to England and I went with her."

Gosh, that WAS a really complicated story, I'm so glad you had your caffeine fix to help weave your way through the intracies of the situation.

So we carried on chatting, quite interesting conversation, this and that, but I'd already decided pretty much that this was going nowhere. I wasn't really attracted to him (especially his crazy hair) and he seemed to be trying way too hard to come across as a bit bohemian/kooky/creative.

I asked him where he lives - he literally pointed out of the window and said "there." Wow, you've arranged a date 20 seconds from your house. I've had to travel 35 minutes to be here, and a further 30 minutes to get home. This is going well. He asked me where I live, so I told him, describing it as 'south of London Bridge' when I was met with a blank stare.

He then starting SINGING 'London Bridge is falling down.' SINGING.

I was like, "Er.. yeah.. that's the one..."

Christ.

By this point it was about 8,15pm, and I was thinking of ways I could escape. The lateness, just got out of bed look (he clearly obviously HAD just got out of bed), the weird hangover excuse, not knowing the clocks had gone forward, the nil-restaurant happening, Starbucks, having no money to pay for Starbucks and the singing, had all added up to a big fat GOD HELP ME. Uncreatively I just said "Well... it's getting late, work tomorrow, you know, I'd better go..." To which, he, incredulously, asked if I wanted to sleep in his roommate's vacant bed. How well does he think this is going?! (Side note: He was at one of those american-style Uni's somewhere in London where they share their bedrooms, hence roommate. So he was basically asking if I wanted to sleep in the bed next to his, on a first date.) I, baffled, said, no, thanks, still with the getting to work issue... you know...

I was quite prepared to be out until 10/11pm in a nice Mexican restaurant drinking wine, but no, I was in some form of Starbucks Hell so the evening had to be terminated quickly. He walked me to Kings Cross Underground, thankfully, a full 3 minutes away, and I said the usual (but completely untrue on this occassion) "Well, I had a lovely evening..." He then went a bit quiet and asked, "Is this not good?" At first, in horror, I thought he meant the date - had I hurt his feelings with my fairly transparent brush off? Was he going to suddenly demand my reasons for not staying later, or - horror - not staying in his room?! I obviously looked confused because he asked it again, but this time pointing at himself, his head.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

And with a tug at his hair, he pulled it off. It was a wig. HE WAS WEARING A WIG. Underneath, there was his normal hair I'd seen in his photos.

Spluttering, disbelieving, I asked why the hell he was wearing that?! "Dunno, bought it yesterday, thought it was quite cool, might wear it tomorrow" he said with a grin.

I literally waved and ran down the stairs to the tube.

The whole journey home I couldn't believe what had just happened - not only the wig, but the whole evening. Was it a joke? A set up? I'll never know, but it was pretty fucking weird. I started to feel a bit sorry for the guy - was that his way of being a bit different and impressing someone? Who knows. Who cares, to be honest.

When I got home, I had a message - "Underneath my real hair, I'm bald, and underneath that, I'm a robot hahaha!"

Delete.

3 comments:

helen turnbull said...

This is hilarious! He sounds hideous. Love your blog - great concept x

Sanam said...

Lol, I love your sarcy comments and thoughts, you're great at writing :D i love this!

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Single Girl said...

Thanks you two! Luckily this is one of the worst dates I've had to date... but there are a few more woeful stories in the coming weeks! xx