The Spark, or, the elusive deal maker.

2012 has had a bit of a struggling start; lots of trying to get dates and to no avail. However, I haven't been all that bothered to be honest - I'm getting a bit sick of the cyclical nature of online dating, and this year has been so busy already that I've kind of just been focusing on enjoying myself and seeing what happens. I've still been doing things to get myself out there but it doesn't feel so exciting anymore for some reason.

So in mid March I had my first actual date of 2012.. it's not for want of trying, I've joined OKCupid, done speed dating and been to a couple of Lovestruck events - but alas, no joy yet. And then I got a nice message the other week and all was well! After a few exchanges he suggested meeting for a drink, and as I keep suggesting this to other guys and then receiving absolutely nothing in return, I was pleasantly surprised.

So, who is he? In a nutshell, he's Australian, my age, works in investments, and does a bit of illustrating on the side. So far, pretty good. We had a lovely date on a sunny sunday afternoon in Carnaby St; went to Cha Cha Moon (which is lovely, if you're ever looking for a place to go) for some noodles and conversation. We got on really well, I could tell he seemed a bit nervous though, he later told me this was his first ever online date! So we chatted a bit about that, and the terrible messages you seem to get on sites like these; he was cute but I definitely didn't feel an amazing attraction to him, physically.

After the food we went to a pub nearby for a drink, we seemed to be getting on pretty well, wasn't really any awkward silences or anything. But at the same time, there wasn't really any electricity or flirting either, just a pleasant time. At about 5 ish he suddenly said he had to go as he was cooking dinner for his housemates. This was a bit baffling seeing as he'd just eaten with me but nevermind. We said goodbye (no kiss - I wasn't feeling it, clearly neither was he) and that was that.

I left it for a few days, and after a week I realised neither of us had spoken after the date. Not a great sign. So I text saying hello, a bit of a conversation was had, but it just kind of fizzled out. No texts since. I'm not bothered, he's clearly not either, but it's funny; you can get on so well with someone but if there isn't that 'spark' then it just won't happen, no matter how nice they are.

A similar thing happened this week; I went on a date on tuesday with someone from OkCupid, we'd been chatting for weeks and weeks, and he finally asks me for a drink. To be honest, when the day came I really couldn't be bothered; it was raining, I was tired, and I'd met someone at the weekend (more on that later), but I'd agreed to go, and in keeping with the whole thing, I went with optimism and a smile on my face. Also, we were meeting in a pub a mere 5 minutes bus from my house so that helped a lot! Unfortunately, as soon as I saw him I knew it wasn't meant to be. It was a case of his profile pictures looking so much better than he did in real life, which can happen, but it was a shame. However, we sat for a couple of drinks, had a laugh, he seemed a really interesting, nice guy, I just wasn't attracted to him from the off. Annoying, but there's not a lot you can do. After a couple of hours I made my excuses (I had to get up early the next day too, early start at work) and headed back. Again, no kiss, as it just didn't feel right.

The next day I got a text off him saying "I had a nice time last night but I don't think the vibe is quite right between us for anything to happen, all the best" - which I was a bit 'oh' at. It's funny, because I completely agreed, but it's that whole 'I wanted to say that first, not you!' thing; illogical, yes, but I felt a bit weird that he felt like that. Perhaps it was my subconscious ego thinking, 'how dare you not fall madly in love with me on a first date, never mind that I don't like you, of course you would think me amazing!' Or some other silly notion. In hindsight, actually, it was really nice of him to text me and say that - so many people (including myself, I'll admit) will choose to just stop texting rather than say that. At least I knew from the outset where I stand now and I don't have to waste time, if indeed I did like him. I replied saying thanks, maybe see you around, etc. Standard.

The point in all this, is that I'm talking about The Spark - that elusive deal maker or breaker that you can't explain, you can't quantify, but you either have it with a person or you don't. On paper, both of these dates should have been great, and Australian guy was pretty attractive too; but that feeling just wasn't there. Even though we'd been chatting for a while before both of these dates, you just can't tell a person until you actually meet them, I think. Which is where I think the whole online dating thing is flawed. You can put so much time and effort into a person before you really know them, and the pressure of a first date is immense; even if you don't fancy each other when you meet, it's hard to just be friends from that because the initial meeting was based on potential romance. You can meet someone in real life and be friends or perhaps more, but I find it quite difficult to maintain a contact with someone if the first date hasn't gone amazingly.

Par example; last saturday (as I said earlier) I met one of my housemate's* friends, who'd come up with a few others for the weekend to visit him. I'd never met him before but essentially he was just in my living room when I came home so I sat down and chatted with them all, a cup of tea turned into a few beers and suddenly I was coming out for the night with them all. I must admit, Alex, as we shall call him, was completely hot and I thought that as soon as I met him, but genuinely didn't think anything of it, he either probably had a gf or wouldn't have been interested in little me. BUT. He was! I know! You could probably see the glee from my face from a mile off. Basically, we were just chatting loads all night, and The Spark, whatever the hell it is, was 100% there. And then (many drinks and much later) he kissed me - and seriously, it's been years, years since I've felt like that. Teenage rush of drunken need and bad judgement. Hurrah! He was staying at our house anyway so things just kind of happened that way... and without going into too much detail (this isn't THAT kind of blog) my dreaded 3 year curse has been lifted. You can't image the relief. Someone actually thought me attractive enough/minimally annoying to want to sleep with me. I genuinely thought it would never happen again.

(Ladies: Side note. Not having sex for three years causes all kinds of things to... tighten up. Oh good god. It wasn't as bad as the first time... but yeah the initial bit was... surprising. And Christ, I was nervous. Genuinely had forgotten how nerve wracking the whole thing is. I'm sure I was terrible. Very out of practice, of course.)

*This is the housemate I have a slight massive crush on, which he can NEVER know because a) I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me back b) we live together c) he doesn't want a gf d) we live together and e) WE LIVE TOGETHER. Bad times. It's a shame but I'm OK with lusting from afar. Besides, we actually get on really really well, and his friendship means so much to me, I would never want to ruin it by telling him how I actually feel. It's all very sad. I think I do quite a good job of hiding it though, hopefully soon I'll stop feeling this way.

It crossed my mind a few days later that I may have inadvertently ruined it anyway with said wonderful housemate by sleeping with his friend. Cue panic. But, logic tells me that he's never going to know I like him anyway so it wouldn't matter. If, by some miracle, he likes me, and he found out I liked him, I don't think a one night stand is going to get in the way... right? Hmm. Alex was lovely but I didn't even get his number so it's not like that at all. I'd quite like a guy's opinion on that actually. Would you be put off a girl if you knew she had a random thing once with one of your mates?

Anyway, that's a massive detour. Housemate and I will never happen. End of. In the meantime, yay for sex!

In conclusion, the spark is something which you can't determine. If there wasn't a spark with Alex, I would never ever have slept with him. But I know what it was and what it wasn't; in fact I'm quite happy for it to have been a one time thing; I think I've surprised myself with my maturity over it. Three years ago I would have been all 'Omg he's so hot I want to see him again, maybe we'll get together and get married' and now, for once, I'm completely happy being single. So long as I keep meeting hot guys like him and there isn't another 3 year drought then that's fine...

Possibly the greatest first date of all time.

At least I actually wore shoes.

Last week, I got a message on Tastebuds. This isn't a rare event, I get them a lot. This one however, was normal. No weird quips, gags or strange questions. Just a hello, how are you, fancy going for a coffee? Also, the guy was hot. And I mean, I actually sat up in my chair and said 'Well hello!' out loud, hot. This, does not normally happen.

I replied straight away. Of course. We had a few back and forth messages over the space of a couple of hours, seemed to have a lot of things in common, swapped numbers, and arranged a date. For the following Thursday. So far... so ridiculously, incredibly easy. Did I mention he was hot? He was hot. I couldn't actually believe my luck. We shall call him Ben. He suggested a German bar near London Bridge, unless I fancied something else. No, I love the Germans, let's do that. Perfect; he had suggested a place thus taking control, but also left it open in case I protested. Tick.

Thursday came. It was pouring it down. I was wearing stupid brogues with a lace panel in them (like so) so I had wet feet by the time it came to the date. (I didn't reveal I had damp feet throughout the date. I've learned this is not acceptable first date talk.) We met at London Bridge station, and when I finally spotted him over the mass of umbrellas, he was giving a foreign couple detailed instructions on how to use the Jubilee line. Waiting patiently to say hello, my first thought was not 'Hurry up it's raining', it was 'Oh look at him being all polite and helpful, that's so lovely, <3 <3' and other teenage thoughts. Seriously.

Said foreign couple scampered off and we said hello. Did I tell you he was hot? Hot IRL too. Even avec umbrella. We walked down Borough High St and came to the destination, which I'd never even heard of - but it was great. A barely-noticeable door leads down into what is essentially an underground, bright, jolly, German themed pub. Wooden benches, german beer, barmen in lederhosen, the lot. I have no idea what it's called though, I was too busy staring at Ben's wonderful face talking animatedly about bands we both like. Turns out pretty much every festival I've been to, he was there. We like all the same music. Talked about work, annoying housemates, snowboarding, cancer (note to self, stop talking about cancer on first dates, FFS), films, Uni, the woes of not being at Uni anymore, many other things. He bought the drinks, we drank them, before I knew it, it was 9.30. Literally been chatting for hours and didn't even realise. He suggested moving on to somewhere else, so we did. I did not want to go home, whatsoever. Also, side note, why do people suggest moving on? It's not a pubcrawl. I have no problem with it, I was just cosy, and frankly didn't want to go out in the rain. Interesting.

We went on to some sort of chain pub down the road, had another drink (I bought this one, only fair) and carried on. Genuinely did not feel like a first date, we had so much to talk about. I remember somehow getting on to the subject of best ever Playstation games and talking about FF7 for a while. He seemed staggered I could converse on such geeky topics. If only he knew. Amazing. Threw in a bit of Metal Gear Solid for luck too. (Both equal, best ever Playstation games in my opinion.)

Basically, the date could not have gone better, given my past luck in first dates through Tastebuds. He walked me back to the station, and there was kissing. Oh yes. And this time, not strange, first date awkward kissing, but a proper, decent, I think I just died a bit inside kiss. Not too intense, but there was effort there. Essentially a very good first kiss. I was a bit giddy. This could also be due to the fact that I was indecently drunk - 3 large glasses of red wine on no dinner. He gets a slight minus point for getting me drunk. Actually, no, he doesn't.

We parted and I half sauntered/stumbled/glided on to my train, no doubt with the most sly, drunkard grin on my face. Best. Date. Evah.

The issue next, of course, was if/when to text, and if there was to be a second date. There MUST be. There's no way he could not have also felt we really clicked. I text him the very next day (Dangerous! But it had to be done) and said I had a lovely time, etc, let's do it again. And he replied. And agreed. Said we 'gelled'. Yes. Yes we did hot man.

I left it over the weekend, then realised on monday that the only free night I had for 8 solid days (blame Christmas party season, and unfortunately a funeral) was the very next day. Do I text again requesting a drink that soon?! I didn't want to let it slide. So I did.

And he bloody didn't reply for about 12 hours. MASSIVE PARANOIA.

Turns out he left his phone at home. Gah. But he couldn't do that night anyway, so we've rearranged, for exactly a fortnight since the first date. I shall inform in due course. I'm feeling good about this one (can you tell?) and super worried I will somehow balls it up. We shall see. Argh.

On the Brink; or, That Elusive 4th Date.

So after a weekend of thinking about Spencer (quite a lot) but not texting him (it's that old chestnut, who texts first? Do you go straight in or do you play it cool for a few days? So many questions), he finally messaged me and asked if I wanted to meet up again. I did, I did!

It was so nice to look forward to, not dread, a second date, and be excited and nervous at the same time. I hadn't felt that in so long; that awkward, scary feeling when you still don't know someone properly but really like them.

Our second date was a few drinks at a cocktail bar; which turned into chinese in China town. Spontaneous but I really liked that he suggested it. It was really pretty walking along under the lanterns, the food was great (but felt so full, way too much to eat!) and he offered to pay too, which is always really lovely, I do like being looked after. We chatted more about our families, ambitions, things like that, and we sort of skirted into the issue of his ex girlfriend. I think we got onto the subject of what he did last Christmas, and he said he spent it skiing with her family. I did the whole concerned, 'oh, so why did you break up in the end?' thing (If he brings up an ex, you can't ignore the issue, may as well strike) and turned out he was with her for SEVEN years and they ended up just drifting apart. "Oh, but we're still friends, I see her every month or so."

Do you now? Hmmm. #alarmbells

I have no issue with anyone being friends with an ex, to a point. But I also know that when you have been with someone for 7 years, and you've been broken up for 7 months, and you're still friends, there must be some feeling there. For both or either party. I kept my silence but it did niggle at me.

After that we had a little wander down Shaftesbury avenue, held hands (!), had a few (a lot) of kisses, generally feeling quite giddy and happy. The holding hands was a big deal as I hadn't actually held hands with a boy I'd liked for... years. It struck me as a strange feeling until I realised that fact; the reason it was so strange was because it was alien to me. Like driving again after not driving for 8 months; you know what to do, but it's weird. An actual boy was holding actual hands with actual me, and meaning it. It was nothing short of a miracle, I tell you. Could this be it? The beginning of something really exciting?

We texted a few times, and then arranged another date the following week, this time to see a film. 3rd date territory was new to me, I'd only ever got to 2 dates and it was clear I wasn't interested. We saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes (hilarious film, not terrible, but quite ridiculous) at Leicester Square Empire - if you've ever been there you'll know it's a great little cinema, really small intimate screens. I could tell he was trying to edge over to kiss me during the film but I relented - nothing against him, but really, I hate kissing at the cinema. It just feels very teenage-y, and besides, I actually want to watch the film! I don't like kissing in public (too much) at the best of times and if a couple are getting off in front of me, it annoys me. So I was kind of skirting away, ha. Afterwards we went for a few cocktails, but as it was a wednesday I had work the next day so had to leave early-ish. But another successful date, really enjoyed being with him.

The question now, which I still don't really know the answer to, is when does it move onto 'this is the guy I am seeing'? 3 dates still feels like you've only been on... 3 dates, obviously, but at what point does it move to 'I am spending lots of time with you, therefore you are more than just a guy I'm dating, but you're not my boyfriend yet because as far as I know you are dating other girls.'? It felt like we were just moving into this territory. The dates were going well, the 4th date was very similar (we went to Zizzi's, had a walk along the southbank, lovely lovely) and it really felt like it was on the edge of something; like the next few weeks would tip it over into 'officially seeing each other' category.

The problem was, I was about to go on holiday. I've got friends who have been seeing guys, then they go away, and when they come back, because they haven't seen them, everything's weird and wrong and one or the other has lost interest. It's like starting a fire, you have to look after it a bit and feed it and stoke it otherwise it'll go out. Unfortunately, I was about to go on holiday right at the point where it could go either way with this guy.

There were a few things not right. First of all, outside of our dates, we wouldn't really talk that much, except to arrange more dates, which were religiously once a week, it seemed. A few texts here and there but not a lot. He wasn't very observant (didn't notice when I had my hair cut! Boohoo), didn't really ever actually compliment me, and our conversations were fine but not particularly deep or groundbreaking. He had only just moved to London, so it was down to me to arrange where to go on dates, as he didn't really know anywhere. This in itself was fine, but I would have liked if he'd gone, let's go for dinner, I'll have a google and see what's good. Just once, at least. Also, the fact that he'd only just moved to London gave me a thought at the back of my head that, a guy in his early 20s just moving to London, perhaps doesn't want to meet someone in the first month of him being there. Maybe he wants to play around a bit. Who knows.

So we saw each other the day before I went away for 2 weeks, and he texted me the night before saying have a good time, see you when you back, etc. So far, so good, right?

Right?