Text Etiquette; or, the pandora's box of nightmarish strategy games.

Borrowed from this wonderful post.

Over Christmas, between the leggings-ripping amount of food, the mind-boggingly complicated board games and the hallucination-inducing amount of alcohol, my mind has flitted back occasionally to my current situation with Ben. Read all about it here. In a nutshell, he's gone AWOL. MIA. Behind Enemy Lines. Vanished.

This is not a unique situation. Plenty of people, it would seem, suddenly stop texting/replying to the texts of someone they're dating. This is now the second time it's happened to me. (Remember Spencer?) Putting aside the horrendously cowardly (not to mention downright upsetting) act of simply deciding to ignore somebody, it throws up a new set of challenges - when to text, what to say, or rather, perhaps, when not to text.

Putting aside the obvious faux-pas' of texting someone when you're drunk, (especially if they're losing interest... I have done this in the past...) the early stages of dating someone is always fraught with 'should I text them now? When did I last text them? What should I say? 1 kiss or 2? Big Kiss (X) or little kiss (x)?'* or even, if you've managed to get a little conversation going, 'When should I reply? Straight away or leave it a few hours? Will I look desperate if I reply straight away? Will I seem like I'm not bothered if I wait til tomorrow?' It's a bloody nightmare, and we've only got ourselves to blame.

*Don't get me started on the use of text speak/grammar/punctuation in text messages. The days of limited credit, therefore having to fit everything u wan 2 say in a msg so u nly spnd 10p are well and truly over. We've all got unlimited texts now, right? If it means your message is two messages long to me, because you're using your words properly, good for you. Any guy that texts like a 14 year old girl to me is instantly canned, unless they have redeeming features such as a private yacht. Harsh. Fair.

Now, being a child of the 80's, I don't remember a time when there was only one telephone to a whole street (or some such nonsense that my mum spouts) and 'If you wanted to speak to a lad, you had to pick up t'ruddy telephone and call him, and just be lucky that your sister tisn't listenin' in' (my mum isn't northern, but it adds to comic effect I feel.) But I suspect that actually, this mightn't have been such a bad thing. Do you remember phone calls? Calling your friends and loved ones, hearing their voice? Such a novelty now! The advent of texting (and twitter, email, this all applies) means that while it's convenient to reply whenever you want, in the exact way you want, you get the opportunity, nay, the advantage, of swinging the conversation, ergo the power in the relationship, your way. Like a guy, but don't want to seem too keen? Don't worry about your spluttery phone voice or urge to ramble about your guinea pig during a live conversation - just expertly carve yourself a new identity through the power of the electronically-sent written word. 'Why yes, my grammar and spelling is excellent. No, I haven't replied to you for several days. It's just I'm so busy with my wonderfully busy life, which doesn't involve any rodents, that I forgot about you. Dinner tomorrow? Perfect. I'm not even using text speak. It's so 2003. See you then, [little kiss].'

You've got hours and hours to come up with a witty and flirtatious reply to that cheeky little text he sent this morning. But you weren't using those hours panicking about what to write back, oh no, you were running errands, baking, doing your nails, driving a rally car, and simply 'forgot' to check your phone, or so you imply. Never mind that you spent your entire lunch hour debating the use of the smiley face he put, with your colleagues. 'He might just be smiling because he likes you', 'But who uses smilies anymore! It shows he must be really immature!', 'No, I think it's a sarcastic, pitying smile, look at the way he's written it, just after asking if you have any plans, bet he's saying that you're bound not to have plans, poor you, maybe I'll relieve your loneliness, fake smilie :)' 'Maybe he just doesn't know how to end his message, a smiley is a nice thing to do,' 'No it isn't, shut up Janet.'

And so on.

Texting is dangerous, and not very conducive to a new relationship. We also get told conflicting advice all the time. One of my good friends is a champion of the 'treat 'em mean keep 'em keen' approach - never texts after the first date, and always waits at least 24 hours before replying. Another friend favours the honesty method - reply when you want, text him when you feel like it. Not too much, but don't be a bitch about it.

Both of these methods have their advantages. Playing the game, as it were, keeps them on their toes, and yes, the cliche is true, if you act a bit uninterested, it will probably keep them interested. I've done a scientific evaluation* of my male friends and they all agree, in the early stages, they get annoyed with girls who are too willing/available.  BUT. If you back off too much, a) it's exhausting and b) they will probably think that you actually don't like them all too much, and will move on.

*Conducted in my local pub using the scientific method of 'banter'.

Being yourself, or rather, texting back soon-ish, when you actually want to, can work well because they see that you do like them, and it just makes the whole damn thing so much easier. However, again, if you start getting too familiar over text, texting every day, people get claustrophobic and pull the plug.

What to do? It's a nightmare. I bloody hate it. Why can't everyone just text people when they want to, be honest, and for god's sake a phone call every so often won't hurt. Talking to people is nice. Remember that nice voice they had on your date? You can hear it again if you call them! Have a little conversation, away from the Qwerty keyboard. It's great. A bit scary, but great. Same rules apply though, don't keep calling every day. One of my housemates is seeing a girl who used to call him up to randomly talk about something she just saw, etc. This is lovely, if you're actually together. If you've been on 2 dates, not so much. It's all about the boundaries - unfortunately, they constantly shift and change, and people are very different. Working that out is half the fun.

So my current problem, with Ben, is that after our (excellent) second date, I have text him twice, to no avail. Between dates 1 and 2 we texted upwards of 30 messages to each other (so my phone tells me). We had some good little conversations. I feel I had the right balance of texting back soon-ish, and waiting a day or so. At the end of Date number 2, he said, I quote, 'we should text more.' The next day, 24 hours after our date (again, a good amount of time, I feel) I asked him what he was doing for friday night. No reply. Wednesday, so 6 days after our date (again, playing by the rules here, no crazy stalking) I text again, hinting about meeting up again. Zip. Silence. The cold, agonising, deathly march of silence.

I'm still trying to work out what it all means. It's very possible he simply doesn't like me that much, but that means that not only have I massively read his signals wrong (the kissing! All of the kissing!), he's also a coward for not replying and saying something, anything. Even a simple, I'm not sure where this is going, or, I've met someone else, will suffice. Nothing. He also may have lost his phone - but he could contact me on tastebuds, where we met, and drop me a message. He's logged in since. (It tells you.) No message. I also (slight stalker here but blame technology again...) found him on facebook, since I know his surname, just to check... well, honestly, just to check there were no condolence messages on there that might hint he's been in some kind of terrible life-threatening accident. Luckily, thankfully, he seems fine. I didn't add him 'cos I'm starting to get the hint, but interestingly, and weirdly, we have a mutual friend. It's tempting to coax his backstory out of her. I WON'T. But damn you, technology, for being so frustrating.

Honestly, I think I'm just going to have to let this one go. It saddens me no end. If our dates were a bit 'meh' then I wouldn't be so bothered - I've phased many people out who I liked but felt no real connection to. But this felt... different. He seemed more into me than I did to him, and I was quite into him. I'm very very surprised this has happened, if I'm honest. Between dates 1 and 2 he checked THREE TIMES to make sure date number 2 was on. THREE. So who knows. Who bloody knows. I won't text again. Probably.

What's your stance on the Great Text Debate? Are you a Treat 'Em Mean, Keep 'Em Keen-er? Do you hate all technology and prefer the good ol' fashioned love letter? Have you been on the end of a crazy text stalker? Have YOU committed the cardinal sin of text-shunning somebody? Do tell. We're all friends here.

This must be how it feels, When the feeling goes.

Nobody mentions the side effects of leaving the country are more than just slight sunburn...

At this point, the end of September, I'd been on about 5 dates with Spencer, and things were looking great. I really liked him, he was easy to get on with, and above all he was pretty damn attractive.

(Don't berate me for saying 'above all.' No-one can deny that this is important. You can have an amazing connection with someone, but if you don't fancy them, well, that's the end I'm afraid.)

As I mentioned in my last post, I went off on holiday for 2 weeks. This was to prove the end for Spencer and I.

It's funny, because at this point, I told my mum about him. I was on holiday with her you see, so it seemed a natural conversation. The difference in our generations never struck me as much as when she said, 'Oh so you've finally got a boyfriend then?' Well, no mum, actually. 5 dates does not a boyfriend make. She couldn't fathom it; in 'her day', you go out with a guy a couple of times, and you are 'going out' with them, logically. Hence, they are your boyfriend. It seemed such a simple time! Now it's horrible who-texts-first dramas, seeing someone, dating someone, sleeping with someone, being with someone, and you might never call them your boyfriend, ever. It's bloody exhausting.

So I said, no, he's not my boyfriend, just a guy I've been seeing for a few weeks, and I really like him. Cue mother talking about 'Oh you might be able to spend New Year's with him!' and all sorts. Cue me slipping into excessive cynical mode and flatly denying it might ever get to that point. Which, in all seriousness, it might have never. There were a few things about him that I didn't click with, etc. But by this point, my mum was berating me for putting my walls up, 'getting down about everything again'; (this is not 2007, mother), and 'just be careful that you don't put out negative vibes and put men off. Maybe that's your problem.'

Christ. Pass the sangria, will you?

Anyway, mid way through the holiday, I text a couple of my friends to say hello, and also Spencer; asking how his week had been, the usual. He replied gloating about the weather (it was that insanely hot week in September, I had missed it, fortunately I was on an equally hot Turkish private beach) and such. I replied again. All fine, no alarm bells, nothing. I was looking forward to seeing him again, and secretly was planning my next move; i.e, maybe I should invite him over for dinner, watch a film, see if he wants to stay over... you get my drift. This is a big deal for me. I haven't had sex in 3 years. It's now been so long that I think I've stubbornly sworn to myself that it will not be a one night stand. I hate them anyway. And this level of non-self-inflicted celibacy has seemed to have become something symbolic; to be ended only when I feel it ought to be. And so forth.

So I had decided he was to be the lucky boy to break my streak of drought. He knew the day I was supposed to be getting back from holiday, so I was a little surprised when he hadn't contacted me after a couple of days of me being back in the UK. Nada, nothing. After 4 days I finally cracked and sent a short message, something along the lines of, How are you, can't believe how cold it is in the UK now (ie hinty hint I'm back), that sort of thing. Absolutely nothing.

I didn't hear anything from him for a week.

By this point I was frantically asking any female within 10 metres of me what the hell I should do. Text him again? Ask him what the hell was going on? Facebook stalk him? Maybe he's lost his phone? Maybe he's met someone else? Maybe he's had a terrible accident? Oh god what should I do?!

I did what any girl does in this situation. I watched He's Just Not that Into You, taking fervent notes.

Turns out, if a guy's not texting you back, He's Just Not that Into You. If he never complimented you, He's Just Not that Into You. If he never invited you round, or introduced you to his friends, He's Just Not that Into You. If he's still friends with his long-term ex, he's probably, very, Just Not that Into You.

So, I decided to cut the crap and just text him, asking him, with a little irony, hey stranger, where have you been? Fancy a drink this week? PLEEEEAAAASE?! (I didn't add the desperate please.)

Nothing. 2 days later, he finally replied. 'Hey, sorry I haven't got in contact, while you were on holiday I sort of got back with my ex and now we're together again. Sorry. Would be really cool to still meet up for a drink as friends though?'

Gah. My gut feeling was right all along. There was something more about that damn ex of his. And do you know what, I was way more upset about it all than I thought I would have been. Perhaps because this has now happened to me THREE times in my life (guys getting back with their exes), perhaps because he was the first guy in three years that I actually liked. Perhaps I just don't like getting my ego bruised. And so, the drought continues.

Also, I was a bit angry at how much of a coward he'd been. He'd clearly just been ignoring my text because he didn't know how to break it to me. Well, I'm sorry, grow up. Don't leave me hanging and worrying, it's not fair. I thought it was hilarious how he wanted to meet up as friends too - I'm sure his girlfriend would love that!! I told him as much, good luck with everything, goodbye.

So we're pretty much up to date. I wanted to hibernate forever after that, but decided to a) delve back into online dating and b) set up this blog. Time to start blogging in the present I feel!

On the Brink; or, That Elusive 4th Date.

So after a weekend of thinking about Spencer (quite a lot) but not texting him (it's that old chestnut, who texts first? Do you go straight in or do you play it cool for a few days? So many questions), he finally messaged me and asked if I wanted to meet up again. I did, I did!

It was so nice to look forward to, not dread, a second date, and be excited and nervous at the same time. I hadn't felt that in so long; that awkward, scary feeling when you still don't know someone properly but really like them.

Our second date was a few drinks at a cocktail bar; which turned into chinese in China town. Spontaneous but I really liked that he suggested it. It was really pretty walking along under the lanterns, the food was great (but felt so full, way too much to eat!) and he offered to pay too, which is always really lovely, I do like being looked after. We chatted more about our families, ambitions, things like that, and we sort of skirted into the issue of his ex girlfriend. I think we got onto the subject of what he did last Christmas, and he said he spent it skiing with her family. I did the whole concerned, 'oh, so why did you break up in the end?' thing (If he brings up an ex, you can't ignore the issue, may as well strike) and turned out he was with her for SEVEN years and they ended up just drifting apart. "Oh, but we're still friends, I see her every month or so."

Do you now? Hmmm. #alarmbells

I have no issue with anyone being friends with an ex, to a point. But I also know that when you have been with someone for 7 years, and you've been broken up for 7 months, and you're still friends, there must be some feeling there. For both or either party. I kept my silence but it did niggle at me.

After that we had a little wander down Shaftesbury avenue, held hands (!), had a few (a lot) of kisses, generally feeling quite giddy and happy. The holding hands was a big deal as I hadn't actually held hands with a boy I'd liked for... years. It struck me as a strange feeling until I realised that fact; the reason it was so strange was because it was alien to me. Like driving again after not driving for 8 months; you know what to do, but it's weird. An actual boy was holding actual hands with actual me, and meaning it. It was nothing short of a miracle, I tell you. Could this be it? The beginning of something really exciting?

We texted a few times, and then arranged another date the following week, this time to see a film. 3rd date territory was new to me, I'd only ever got to 2 dates and it was clear I wasn't interested. We saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes (hilarious film, not terrible, but quite ridiculous) at Leicester Square Empire - if you've ever been there you'll know it's a great little cinema, really small intimate screens. I could tell he was trying to edge over to kiss me during the film but I relented - nothing against him, but really, I hate kissing at the cinema. It just feels very teenage-y, and besides, I actually want to watch the film! I don't like kissing in public (too much) at the best of times and if a couple are getting off in front of me, it annoys me. So I was kind of skirting away, ha. Afterwards we went for a few cocktails, but as it was a wednesday I had work the next day so had to leave early-ish. But another successful date, really enjoyed being with him.

The question now, which I still don't really know the answer to, is when does it move onto 'this is the guy I am seeing'? 3 dates still feels like you've only been on... 3 dates, obviously, but at what point does it move to 'I am spending lots of time with you, therefore you are more than just a guy I'm dating, but you're not my boyfriend yet because as far as I know you are dating other girls.'? It felt like we were just moving into this territory. The dates were going well, the 4th date was very similar (we went to Zizzi's, had a walk along the southbank, lovely lovely) and it really felt like it was on the edge of something; like the next few weeks would tip it over into 'officially seeing each other' category.

The problem was, I was about to go on holiday. I've got friends who have been seeing guys, then they go away, and when they come back, because they haven't seen them, everything's weird and wrong and one or the other has lost interest. It's like starting a fire, you have to look after it a bit and feed it and stoke it otherwise it'll go out. Unfortunately, I was about to go on holiday right at the point where it could go either way with this guy.

There were a few things not right. First of all, outside of our dates, we wouldn't really talk that much, except to arrange more dates, which were religiously once a week, it seemed. A few texts here and there but not a lot. He wasn't very observant (didn't notice when I had my hair cut! Boohoo), didn't really ever actually compliment me, and our conversations were fine but not particularly deep or groundbreaking. He had only just moved to London, so it was down to me to arrange where to go on dates, as he didn't really know anywhere. This in itself was fine, but I would have liked if he'd gone, let's go for dinner, I'll have a google and see what's good. Just once, at least. Also, the fact that he'd only just moved to London gave me a thought at the back of my head that, a guy in his early 20s just moving to London, perhaps doesn't want to meet someone in the first month of him being there. Maybe he wants to play around a bit. Who knows.

So we saw each other the day before I went away for 2 weeks, and he texted me the night before saying have a good time, see you when you back, etc. So far, so good, right?

Right?

Some Late Summer Excitement...

A mere two days after my strange and ultimately fruitless date with MyLifeYourHands, life took an unexpected and exciting turn. I met up with my cousin, who was down in London for just a day, for some drinks with her and her friends. I'd never met her friends but when I turned up, it turned out they were all boys. One boy in particular, was V hot. Vee vee hot.

We were all chatting, and I was telling my cousin about my recent dating tragedies - the unfortunate live tweeting of the last date, and the man with the penchant for hair pieces. I was saying that it felt near impossible to get dates in London, the normal way (what is the normal way), which was why I was doing online dating. In real life, in bars, wherever, I just don't get asked out, ever, I was telling her.

"I'll take you out." Said hot man.
I laughed - yeah right.
"No seriously, give me your number, we'll go out."

*angels sing*

And this is how I met Spencer. He had only moved to London 3 weeks prior to this, and was genuine in his wanting a date with me. He wanted to get to know London - and have someone to do it with, I suppose. That someone could be me!

We spent the rest of the evening chatting, mildly flirting, and when we all walked back to the tube we hung back and walked together. So cute, so teenage-y. I was loving it. Actual male attention from someone outside of the internets! I'm not a loser! I'm vaguely nice to speak to in real life! Other dramatic statements!

A few days later, I got a text from him, asking if I wanted to go on that date? Hell yes. Spencer was hot. Sort of rugby-type (not huge and muscley, but nicely built), light brown hair, funny, from Bristol (ie good accent), worked in finance. CHING. I joke, I joke. I would have actually preferred if he had a more creative profession(he wasn't creative in the slightest) but then I always go for creatives and they're all jerks. This is me trying a new approach, remember?

As he hadn't been in London very long, he said I should pick where to go as he hadn't a clue. Now, I usually prefer if the guy picks, at least on the first few dates, because, being a tad old fashioned, I like to be impressed. Plus you can tell a lot from someone by their date choices. But, I forgave him, because I remember what it was like to be new to London. I suggested the Southbank, as it's one of my favourite places, and you can't go wrong with the choice of restaurants there.

This is another thing - I think I've mentioned before that I don't like having a meal on the first date. But, because I'd already met him, and really fancied him, this felt fine. Strange, I thought. But good. We ended up going to Strada - we both liked Italian and it's a good location, right by the bridge.

We had to hang around for a table for a while, being a weekend, but it was still warm at this point, and we had an outside table. It was a really good date. The right amount of awkward, I felt relaxed but also was really in to him.

The one thing I'd say was that conversation wasn't as in depth as it had been with Mylifeyourhands for example - but perhaps he was nervous. I like to have random, or quite deep discussions on dates, but this felt like we were kind of just skirting the surface. Not exactly lots of awkward silences, but we weren't stumbling over each other to speak. Perhaps I analyse this too much though; as has been proven, great conversation and interesting anecdotes do not a great date always make.

After dinner we walked down the Southbank, over Westminster bridge and found ourselves a lovely cosy pub to continue the chat. It was a really good first date, and I loved that I'd met him offline, as it were - such a rarity nowadays. It was nice getting to know him from scratch. He'd graduated the year after me, was enjoying his job although wasn't exactly what he wanted to do (he didn't know what he wanted to do), he was living in Balham, commuting out to Epsom - slightly annoying for dating in central London but nothing major. He'd been travelling and had some great stories, and he seemed to be enjoying London. I liked telling him about what I do; he seemed genuinely interested even though he didn't really 'get' graphic design etc.

All through the date I was thinking, yep, definitely going to kiss you at the end. Definitely. No two ways about it, I really fancied him. And amazing that I was even considering it - all my other dates I'd been on, ever, I was never that bothered. Or just plain wasn't attracted to them by the end of the date so didn't want to. And we did, and it was perfect. Everything you want a first date kiss to be. I was grinning from ear to ear on the train home, was actually so happy! I texted my best friend and told her the news, hoping and hoping that he'd want to see me again. Maybe, for once, this was actually going to go somewhere...?