NOT Ok Cupid.

With online dating, you have to take the rough with the smooth. You know you're probably going to get a few dodgy messages. Some of them can be quite funny, even though you know you won't ever reply. Some will be just pointless like 'Hi you look fit', so you don't reply because... well, that's nice to know, but it's not exactly a conversation starter is it? Some will seem fine but will soon descend into surreal town. Some are a bit overkill, eager beaver, some are just crude, some can be actually a bit nasty!

So I want to draw your attention to a particularly strange case, which hopefully will share some laughs. It certainly perplexed me.

The first message I got, he seemed lovely. Quite attractive, intelligent, funny and attentive - he had actually read my entire profile and was commenting on what I was saying in it. So far, so good. Except - his first message to me was SEVEN paragraphs long. And each paragraph had at least 3 sentences in it. Now, we all hate a short message, but sometimes, long ones are a bit worse. It was very overwhelming. A quick look at his profile showed me more - a lot more. I've never seen a profile so long winded and essay-like. Pages and pages of it. And every question he had answered (on Okcupid you answer questions about yourself and can explain your answer - most people don't) he had a detailed explanation of why he had chosen that. How much time does this guy have on his hands?! He mentioned in his message that he was just looking for friends so 'no pressure' - but I've heard that before, and it's a good tactic to not come across too strong. Either way, the length of his message and keenness showed me that he was probably looking for more than that.

But no matter. As I said, he still seemed nice. On the particular day he sent that message, I was insanely hungover, so couldn't be arsed to string a coherent sentence together let alone muster the energy to reply to everything he said.

The next day, I got another message from him. "My message/profile wasn't too long was it? Just because as I said, you seem pretty cool and it'd be nice to chat, if Skype/something else like that would just be easier"

So, we're on to second message, no reply from me, and you're already suggesting Skype. Okie doke. I replied as I was now feeling more human, answered a few of his questions, asked a few of my own, such as "How was your weekend anyway?", standard.

I then get FOUR messages back from him in the space of an hour. The first one was fine, although said "DO you have Skype/Gchat at all? you can chat in the browser like on Facebook - I've stopped using Facebook though so that's a no go." I'm like, hold on - I'm not comfortable with giving out all these details here.

The next message said that he forgot to answer my question, and he proceeded to ramble about his ex girlfriend, and how he apparently was totally over her (?!)... then the third message was all, oh sorry for the multiple messages, do you have twitter? Mine is xxx, follow me! Wow. The FOURTH message was a 'Just a bad spelling error I saw' and then corrected some trivial thing he said. GODDDD. One message is enough! Jeez.

So, basically, I didn't reply for a while. Way too intense. In the end I felt a bit guilty about not replying because he was genuinely quite nice, just a bit off-putting. So this is what I said, in a nutshell:

"I think, to be quite honest, I haven't replied because I've been a little intimidated... not just with your lonnnnng profile and 4 messages in quick succession but also how you're very quick to mention your ex... I know it says in your profile that you don't see it as a problem talking about exes but you need to remember that some people do. And starting a sentence with 'I learnt that I'm totally over my ex' probably means that you're totally NOT over your ex. Or that's how it comes across anyway.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind my rather uncalled for and probably incredibly rude feedback. I didn't want to just ignore your messages...Good luck with it all, god knows online dating is a horrific minefield at the best of times, and I certainly don't think of myself as the know it all guru of how to get by on okcupid. I've been doing this for over a year, so by default I must be doing something wrong right? ;)"

Which I thought was perhaps a bit cheeky, but I wanted to give him a heads up - I genuinely wished him well with it all. Anyway, he then replies (which I didn't expect him to do), with something along the lines of this:

"Sorry if you took that the wrong way, but I was only being honest with you. Probably wouldn't have mentioned the ex if I was actually looking for someone though; it's a bit irrelevant really anyway, so long as you didn't assume I wanted more from knowing you - which apparently you did :-/ sorry for the misunderstanding! So maybe if you're having some problems, try just being more open/honest yourself, instead of shutting down whole parts of yourself, and maybe there wouldn't be any more misunderstandings between you and people about what you each wanted from each other? I didn't actually think I'd end up liking you more than a friend anyway, so honestly, sorry if you were at all thinking different til I mentioned my ex.."

What ze fuck? Hilarious. He's actually giving ME advice. I'm not a pro at dating (otherwise I wouldn't be doing it!) but I like to think I don't send multiple messages and scare people off then shoot them down for trying to point them in the right direction. Plus, I can't believe he said he didn't think he'd end up liking me more than a friend anyway; what's the point in that? Why message me in the first place? I said "Ok, but you can see how I thought that right, considering this is a dating site? For people to get dates? Obvs friends is great but the word 'cupid' in the name kind of gives it away" Back to him -I'm not crazy in thinking that surely? Why would you be on OkCupid if you're just looking for friends?? I know he said it at the beginning but I didn't think he MEANT it. Dating sites are for dating, surely?

Then he says: "Sorry, but I don't really see how it's that obvious? You chose to look for 'friends' as well as the other dating options? Plenty of people seem to have platonic profiles, anyway..maybe that's where you're going wrong with this thing? Take those options off if you just wanna date, but even then, just relax, meet some people THEN decide on the dating thing when you know them a little bit :-p that's generally how it works in real-life best anyway, no?

I know it's got 'cupid' in the title, but PornHub is hardly all por..actually fair enough on that point :-p"

It just gets worse. I've NEVER seen anyone on a dating site with a platonic profile. Have you? Please, prove me wrong. I'm so baffled.

I didn't reply to that, because I didn't really want to get into an argument with the guy, or waste my time on someone who essentially just confuses me with everything he says. PLUS the porn comment was a bit left of field I thought? Weird.

Anyway, fast forward to last weekend, and he pops up on Chat. He says hi how are you? like everything is normal. I say hello, yes good you? He asks me about my weekend, I don't reply for a bit, suddenly he sends me a link. I click on it without thinking (sunday brain) and it takes me to a porn vid site. WHAT. Then he's like, oh, don't click on that sorry, and I'm like, "too late. What the hello was that?"

WHO DOES THAT. Especially with the pornhub comment, makes me think it wasn't such an accident. Strange, strange strange.

And thus, these are the pitfalls of online dating. Yes, the world is your oyster, but sometimes those oysters and rotten and make you feel sick. Have you ever had strange messages sent to you? Do share, let's all feel the pain.

x

Text Etiquette; or, the pandora's box of nightmarish strategy games.

Borrowed from this wonderful post.

Over Christmas, between the leggings-ripping amount of food, the mind-boggingly complicated board games and the hallucination-inducing amount of alcohol, my mind has flitted back occasionally to my current situation with Ben. Read all about it here. In a nutshell, he's gone AWOL. MIA. Behind Enemy Lines. Vanished.

This is not a unique situation. Plenty of people, it would seem, suddenly stop texting/replying to the texts of someone they're dating. This is now the second time it's happened to me. (Remember Spencer?) Putting aside the horrendously cowardly (not to mention downright upsetting) act of simply deciding to ignore somebody, it throws up a new set of challenges - when to text, what to say, or rather, perhaps, when not to text.

Putting aside the obvious faux-pas' of texting someone when you're drunk, (especially if they're losing interest... I have done this in the past...) the early stages of dating someone is always fraught with 'should I text them now? When did I last text them? What should I say? 1 kiss or 2? Big Kiss (X) or little kiss (x)?'* or even, if you've managed to get a little conversation going, 'When should I reply? Straight away or leave it a few hours? Will I look desperate if I reply straight away? Will I seem like I'm not bothered if I wait til tomorrow?' It's a bloody nightmare, and we've only got ourselves to blame.

*Don't get me started on the use of text speak/grammar/punctuation in text messages. The days of limited credit, therefore having to fit everything u wan 2 say in a msg so u nly spnd 10p are well and truly over. We've all got unlimited texts now, right? If it means your message is two messages long to me, because you're using your words properly, good for you. Any guy that texts like a 14 year old girl to me is instantly canned, unless they have redeeming features such as a private yacht. Harsh. Fair.

Now, being a child of the 80's, I don't remember a time when there was only one telephone to a whole street (or some such nonsense that my mum spouts) and 'If you wanted to speak to a lad, you had to pick up t'ruddy telephone and call him, and just be lucky that your sister tisn't listenin' in' (my mum isn't northern, but it adds to comic effect I feel.) But I suspect that actually, this mightn't have been such a bad thing. Do you remember phone calls? Calling your friends and loved ones, hearing their voice? Such a novelty now! The advent of texting (and twitter, email, this all applies) means that while it's convenient to reply whenever you want, in the exact way you want, you get the opportunity, nay, the advantage, of swinging the conversation, ergo the power in the relationship, your way. Like a guy, but don't want to seem too keen? Don't worry about your spluttery phone voice or urge to ramble about your guinea pig during a live conversation - just expertly carve yourself a new identity through the power of the electronically-sent written word. 'Why yes, my grammar and spelling is excellent. No, I haven't replied to you for several days. It's just I'm so busy with my wonderfully busy life, which doesn't involve any rodents, that I forgot about you. Dinner tomorrow? Perfect. I'm not even using text speak. It's so 2003. See you then, [little kiss].'

You've got hours and hours to come up with a witty and flirtatious reply to that cheeky little text he sent this morning. But you weren't using those hours panicking about what to write back, oh no, you were running errands, baking, doing your nails, driving a rally car, and simply 'forgot' to check your phone, or so you imply. Never mind that you spent your entire lunch hour debating the use of the smiley face he put, with your colleagues. 'He might just be smiling because he likes you', 'But who uses smilies anymore! It shows he must be really immature!', 'No, I think it's a sarcastic, pitying smile, look at the way he's written it, just after asking if you have any plans, bet he's saying that you're bound not to have plans, poor you, maybe I'll relieve your loneliness, fake smilie :)' 'Maybe he just doesn't know how to end his message, a smiley is a nice thing to do,' 'No it isn't, shut up Janet.'

And so on.

Texting is dangerous, and not very conducive to a new relationship. We also get told conflicting advice all the time. One of my good friends is a champion of the 'treat 'em mean keep 'em keen' approach - never texts after the first date, and always waits at least 24 hours before replying. Another friend favours the honesty method - reply when you want, text him when you feel like it. Not too much, but don't be a bitch about it.

Both of these methods have their advantages. Playing the game, as it were, keeps them on their toes, and yes, the cliche is true, if you act a bit uninterested, it will probably keep them interested. I've done a scientific evaluation* of my male friends and they all agree, in the early stages, they get annoyed with girls who are too willing/available.  BUT. If you back off too much, a) it's exhausting and b) they will probably think that you actually don't like them all too much, and will move on.

*Conducted in my local pub using the scientific method of 'banter'.

Being yourself, or rather, texting back soon-ish, when you actually want to, can work well because they see that you do like them, and it just makes the whole damn thing so much easier. However, again, if you start getting too familiar over text, texting every day, people get claustrophobic and pull the plug.

What to do? It's a nightmare. I bloody hate it. Why can't everyone just text people when they want to, be honest, and for god's sake a phone call every so often won't hurt. Talking to people is nice. Remember that nice voice they had on your date? You can hear it again if you call them! Have a little conversation, away from the Qwerty keyboard. It's great. A bit scary, but great. Same rules apply though, don't keep calling every day. One of my housemates is seeing a girl who used to call him up to randomly talk about something she just saw, etc. This is lovely, if you're actually together. If you've been on 2 dates, not so much. It's all about the boundaries - unfortunately, they constantly shift and change, and people are very different. Working that out is half the fun.

So my current problem, with Ben, is that after our (excellent) second date, I have text him twice, to no avail. Between dates 1 and 2 we texted upwards of 30 messages to each other (so my phone tells me). We had some good little conversations. I feel I had the right balance of texting back soon-ish, and waiting a day or so. At the end of Date number 2, he said, I quote, 'we should text more.' The next day, 24 hours after our date (again, a good amount of time, I feel) I asked him what he was doing for friday night. No reply. Wednesday, so 6 days after our date (again, playing by the rules here, no crazy stalking) I text again, hinting about meeting up again. Zip. Silence. The cold, agonising, deathly march of silence.

I'm still trying to work out what it all means. It's very possible he simply doesn't like me that much, but that means that not only have I massively read his signals wrong (the kissing! All of the kissing!), he's also a coward for not replying and saying something, anything. Even a simple, I'm not sure where this is going, or, I've met someone else, will suffice. Nothing. He also may have lost his phone - but he could contact me on tastebuds, where we met, and drop me a message. He's logged in since. (It tells you.) No message. I also (slight stalker here but blame technology again...) found him on facebook, since I know his surname, just to check... well, honestly, just to check there were no condolence messages on there that might hint he's been in some kind of terrible life-threatening accident. Luckily, thankfully, he seems fine. I didn't add him 'cos I'm starting to get the hint, but interestingly, and weirdly, we have a mutual friend. It's tempting to coax his backstory out of her. I WON'T. But damn you, technology, for being so frustrating.

Honestly, I think I'm just going to have to let this one go. It saddens me no end. If our dates were a bit 'meh' then I wouldn't be so bothered - I've phased many people out who I liked but felt no real connection to. But this felt... different. He seemed more into me than I did to him, and I was quite into him. I'm very very surprised this has happened, if I'm honest. Between dates 1 and 2 he checked THREE TIMES to make sure date number 2 was on. THREE. So who knows. Who bloody knows. I won't text again. Probably.

What's your stance on the Great Text Debate? Are you a Treat 'Em Mean, Keep 'Em Keen-er? Do you hate all technology and prefer the good ol' fashioned love letter? Have you been on the end of a crazy text stalker? Have YOU committed the cardinal sin of text-shunning somebody? Do tell. We're all friends here.

A second Very Good Date; And the ensuing silence.

After my first date with Ben, which went very well indeed, a clash of schedules (Christmas is a busy time!) meant that we couldn't have our second date until exactly 2 weeks after the first. We had been texting quite a bit in between though, so the gap didn't feel like it was a problem.

We met at Embankment and walked over the Hungerford bridge (totes pretty, I love the Thames at night) to the southbank, and discovered that the German market was on. Amazing. We had a little wander down looking at all the pretties (our dates keep seeming to have a German theme - strange) and had some mulled wine as we walked, which was needed because it was absolutely freezing.

I was a bit worried (I worry too much, evidently) that the first date may have been a fluke somehow – that we had so much to talk about because we were both a bit nervous, and maybe the second date just wouldn’t live up to it. Or that we’d talked about everything and we’d be sitting in silence. However, we were chatting away in no time and everything felt just as comfortable and natural as before. Phew!

I was also a bit worried that maybe between the first and second date, I’d built him up a bit too much in my head and when I’d meet him for the second time, all magic and attraction would be gone. Luckily, this was not the case. Still as cute as ever, still had loads to talk about, lots in common, and absolutely one of, if not THE nicest guys I have dated in 2011. Ending this year on a high, definitely.

Eventually we headed down to Strada (one of my fave places to eat around that area) and after a little wait for a table, headed in. So far, so good. I had picked the location (Southbank at this time of year is always a failsafe) so only fair I pick the restaurant I suppose. Dinner was lovely, had quite a bit of wine, chatting away as comfortably as last time - the first date was definitely not a fluke.

We talked about all manner of things, as you do – even touched on the subject of my ex. Now. I don’t usually like talking about Robert (or Edward, or any of them really) with guys, especially ones I really like. But he asked me why I went to the Uni that I did, so, as I’m an honest (sometimes too much so) person, I just said the truth – that I didn’t get into my first choice, and my second choice was the one that Robert was going to anyway, so I put it, and got accepted. I touched briefly on how/when we broke up, the cheating, but honestly didn’t want to talk about it too much. He seemed fine with it though, didn’t physically recoil anyway, and was talking to me about it. I also talked about that period of my life in general, and some bad things that happened; but he actually asked me questions about it etc, so it was fine. It was only afterwards that I slightly regretted talking about it (you never really want to talk about things like that with your date do you?) but I suppose the wine just got me talking. That and I felt so comfortable around him that I guess I wanted to open up. He seemed genuinely interested and cared about what I was talking about though so I’m pretty sure he wasn’t weirded out.

In fact, he didn’t scarper straight after dinner, he asked if I wanted to get a drink somewhere else so we headed to another bar until closing time, which was nice. It was about 11.30 and I had work the next day so realised I should probably head home! We walked along the Southbank back to London Bridge (further than we thought!) in the wind and the rain but despite getting a bit rained on it was lovely – and he stopped to kiss me a few times which was all very romantic and wonderful - things that just don't happen to me.


Eventually got back to the tube and said our goodbyes – again with several kisses, tee hee – where we realised we probably wouldn’t see each other until the week between Christmas and New Year at the earliest,  as he was going home a few days later. So agreed we should do something then, after I mentioned that I’d be back in London around then. After we realised it would be a while before we would see each other, he said ‘We should definitely text more, I feel that we don’t text enough!’ Which, coming from a guy (sorry guys) is nothing short of miraculous! Amazing. In my opinion, we were actually texting a fair bit anyway, but he obvs wants to up the game. This I fine. This is better than fine.

So we parted ways, I was drunk and happy (hooray) and went home to bed. The next day was Friday, so I text him that evening (as he said we should text more!) to ask him what he was up to, and say what I was doing. Just a general chit chat casual message. Normal. One kiss. Good punctuation. All that.

What happened next? Nothing. Abso-bloody-lutely nothing.

It’s now Thursday (1 week since the date) and I haven’t heard anything from him AT ALL. What’s the deal? If he hadn’t have said about the whole texting-more thing then I wouldn’t be too bothered (although still, no contact at all?) but he specifically said, let’s text. Let’s text more. Let’s do more of the texting thing.

So, I debated a long time over whether to text again – after all, he was busy that weekend, going home, seeing friends, he may have forgotten to reply. Erring on the side of optimism, I decided to text one last time, yesterday afternoon. My message was essentially, Hey, you’ve been a bit quiet, are you enjoying being at home? I’ve got my Christmas Party tonight, hurrah, let’s try and meet on the so and so of December if you’re in London?

Still nothing.

So. He’s either lost his phone and can't contact me (unlikely, facebook exists), has been in a terrible accident (hopefully not…), or evidently hates me. I can’t fathom a reason why he’s suddenly ended all contact otherwise.

Thoughts/opinions would be gratefully received. I really like this guy and would love to see him again but perhaps it’s over before it even began…