Text Etiquette; or, the pandora's box of nightmarish strategy games.

Borrowed from this wonderful post.

Over Christmas, between the leggings-ripping amount of food, the mind-boggingly complicated board games and the hallucination-inducing amount of alcohol, my mind has flitted back occasionally to my current situation with Ben. Read all about it here. In a nutshell, he's gone AWOL. MIA. Behind Enemy Lines. Vanished.

This is not a unique situation. Plenty of people, it would seem, suddenly stop texting/replying to the texts of someone they're dating. This is now the second time it's happened to me. (Remember Spencer?) Putting aside the horrendously cowardly (not to mention downright upsetting) act of simply deciding to ignore somebody, it throws up a new set of challenges - when to text, what to say, or rather, perhaps, when not to text.

Putting aside the obvious faux-pas' of texting someone when you're drunk, (especially if they're losing interest... I have done this in the past...) the early stages of dating someone is always fraught with 'should I text them now? When did I last text them? What should I say? 1 kiss or 2? Big Kiss (X) or little kiss (x)?'* or even, if you've managed to get a little conversation going, 'When should I reply? Straight away or leave it a few hours? Will I look desperate if I reply straight away? Will I seem like I'm not bothered if I wait til tomorrow?' It's a bloody nightmare, and we've only got ourselves to blame.

*Don't get me started on the use of text speak/grammar/punctuation in text messages. The days of limited credit, therefore having to fit everything u wan 2 say in a msg so u nly spnd 10p are well and truly over. We've all got unlimited texts now, right? If it means your message is two messages long to me, because you're using your words properly, good for you. Any guy that texts like a 14 year old girl to me is instantly canned, unless they have redeeming features such as a private yacht. Harsh. Fair.

Now, being a child of the 80's, I don't remember a time when there was only one telephone to a whole street (or some such nonsense that my mum spouts) and 'If you wanted to speak to a lad, you had to pick up t'ruddy telephone and call him, and just be lucky that your sister tisn't listenin' in' (my mum isn't northern, but it adds to comic effect I feel.) But I suspect that actually, this mightn't have been such a bad thing. Do you remember phone calls? Calling your friends and loved ones, hearing their voice? Such a novelty now! The advent of texting (and twitter, email, this all applies) means that while it's convenient to reply whenever you want, in the exact way you want, you get the opportunity, nay, the advantage, of swinging the conversation, ergo the power in the relationship, your way. Like a guy, but don't want to seem too keen? Don't worry about your spluttery phone voice or urge to ramble about your guinea pig during a live conversation - just expertly carve yourself a new identity through the power of the electronically-sent written word. 'Why yes, my grammar and spelling is excellent. No, I haven't replied to you for several days. It's just I'm so busy with my wonderfully busy life, which doesn't involve any rodents, that I forgot about you. Dinner tomorrow? Perfect. I'm not even using text speak. It's so 2003. See you then, [little kiss].'

You've got hours and hours to come up with a witty and flirtatious reply to that cheeky little text he sent this morning. But you weren't using those hours panicking about what to write back, oh no, you were running errands, baking, doing your nails, driving a rally car, and simply 'forgot' to check your phone, or so you imply. Never mind that you spent your entire lunch hour debating the use of the smiley face he put, with your colleagues. 'He might just be smiling because he likes you', 'But who uses smilies anymore! It shows he must be really immature!', 'No, I think it's a sarcastic, pitying smile, look at the way he's written it, just after asking if you have any plans, bet he's saying that you're bound not to have plans, poor you, maybe I'll relieve your loneliness, fake smilie :)' 'Maybe he just doesn't know how to end his message, a smiley is a nice thing to do,' 'No it isn't, shut up Janet.'

And so on.

Texting is dangerous, and not very conducive to a new relationship. We also get told conflicting advice all the time. One of my good friends is a champion of the 'treat 'em mean keep 'em keen' approach - never texts after the first date, and always waits at least 24 hours before replying. Another friend favours the honesty method - reply when you want, text him when you feel like it. Not too much, but don't be a bitch about it.

Both of these methods have their advantages. Playing the game, as it were, keeps them on their toes, and yes, the cliche is true, if you act a bit uninterested, it will probably keep them interested. I've done a scientific evaluation* of my male friends and they all agree, in the early stages, they get annoyed with girls who are too willing/available.  BUT. If you back off too much, a) it's exhausting and b) they will probably think that you actually don't like them all too much, and will move on.

*Conducted in my local pub using the scientific method of 'banter'.

Being yourself, or rather, texting back soon-ish, when you actually want to, can work well because they see that you do like them, and it just makes the whole damn thing so much easier. However, again, if you start getting too familiar over text, texting every day, people get claustrophobic and pull the plug.

What to do? It's a nightmare. I bloody hate it. Why can't everyone just text people when they want to, be honest, and for god's sake a phone call every so often won't hurt. Talking to people is nice. Remember that nice voice they had on your date? You can hear it again if you call them! Have a little conversation, away from the Qwerty keyboard. It's great. A bit scary, but great. Same rules apply though, don't keep calling every day. One of my housemates is seeing a girl who used to call him up to randomly talk about something she just saw, etc. This is lovely, if you're actually together. If you've been on 2 dates, not so much. It's all about the boundaries - unfortunately, they constantly shift and change, and people are very different. Working that out is half the fun.

So my current problem, with Ben, is that after our (excellent) second date, I have text him twice, to no avail. Between dates 1 and 2 we texted upwards of 30 messages to each other (so my phone tells me). We had some good little conversations. I feel I had the right balance of texting back soon-ish, and waiting a day or so. At the end of Date number 2, he said, I quote, 'we should text more.' The next day, 24 hours after our date (again, a good amount of time, I feel) I asked him what he was doing for friday night. No reply. Wednesday, so 6 days after our date (again, playing by the rules here, no crazy stalking) I text again, hinting about meeting up again. Zip. Silence. The cold, agonising, deathly march of silence.

I'm still trying to work out what it all means. It's very possible he simply doesn't like me that much, but that means that not only have I massively read his signals wrong (the kissing! All of the kissing!), he's also a coward for not replying and saying something, anything. Even a simple, I'm not sure where this is going, or, I've met someone else, will suffice. Nothing. He also may have lost his phone - but he could contact me on tastebuds, where we met, and drop me a message. He's logged in since. (It tells you.) No message. I also (slight stalker here but blame technology again...) found him on facebook, since I know his surname, just to check... well, honestly, just to check there were no condolence messages on there that might hint he's been in some kind of terrible life-threatening accident. Luckily, thankfully, he seems fine. I didn't add him 'cos I'm starting to get the hint, but interestingly, and weirdly, we have a mutual friend. It's tempting to coax his backstory out of her. I WON'T. But damn you, technology, for being so frustrating.

Honestly, I think I'm just going to have to let this one go. It saddens me no end. If our dates were a bit 'meh' then I wouldn't be so bothered - I've phased many people out who I liked but felt no real connection to. But this felt... different. He seemed more into me than I did to him, and I was quite into him. I'm very very surprised this has happened, if I'm honest. Between dates 1 and 2 he checked THREE TIMES to make sure date number 2 was on. THREE. So who knows. Who bloody knows. I won't text again. Probably.

What's your stance on the Great Text Debate? Are you a Treat 'Em Mean, Keep 'Em Keen-er? Do you hate all technology and prefer the good ol' fashioned love letter? Have you been on the end of a crazy text stalker? Have YOU committed the cardinal sin of text-shunning somebody? Do tell. We're all friends here.

This must be how it feels, When the feeling goes.

Nobody mentions the side effects of leaving the country are more than just slight sunburn...

At this point, the end of September, I'd been on about 5 dates with Spencer, and things were looking great. I really liked him, he was easy to get on with, and above all he was pretty damn attractive.

(Don't berate me for saying 'above all.' No-one can deny that this is important. You can have an amazing connection with someone, but if you don't fancy them, well, that's the end I'm afraid.)

As I mentioned in my last post, I went off on holiday for 2 weeks. This was to prove the end for Spencer and I.

It's funny, because at this point, I told my mum about him. I was on holiday with her you see, so it seemed a natural conversation. The difference in our generations never struck me as much as when she said, 'Oh so you've finally got a boyfriend then?' Well, no mum, actually. 5 dates does not a boyfriend make. She couldn't fathom it; in 'her day', you go out with a guy a couple of times, and you are 'going out' with them, logically. Hence, they are your boyfriend. It seemed such a simple time! Now it's horrible who-texts-first dramas, seeing someone, dating someone, sleeping with someone, being with someone, and you might never call them your boyfriend, ever. It's bloody exhausting.

So I said, no, he's not my boyfriend, just a guy I've been seeing for a few weeks, and I really like him. Cue mother talking about 'Oh you might be able to spend New Year's with him!' and all sorts. Cue me slipping into excessive cynical mode and flatly denying it might ever get to that point. Which, in all seriousness, it might have never. There were a few things about him that I didn't click with, etc. But by this point, my mum was berating me for putting my walls up, 'getting down about everything again'; (this is not 2007, mother), and 'just be careful that you don't put out negative vibes and put men off. Maybe that's your problem.'

Christ. Pass the sangria, will you?

Anyway, mid way through the holiday, I text a couple of my friends to say hello, and also Spencer; asking how his week had been, the usual. He replied gloating about the weather (it was that insanely hot week in September, I had missed it, fortunately I was on an equally hot Turkish private beach) and such. I replied again. All fine, no alarm bells, nothing. I was looking forward to seeing him again, and secretly was planning my next move; i.e, maybe I should invite him over for dinner, watch a film, see if he wants to stay over... you get my drift. This is a big deal for me. I haven't had sex in 3 years. It's now been so long that I think I've stubbornly sworn to myself that it will not be a one night stand. I hate them anyway. And this level of non-self-inflicted celibacy has seemed to have become something symbolic; to be ended only when I feel it ought to be. And so forth.

So I had decided he was to be the lucky boy to break my streak of drought. He knew the day I was supposed to be getting back from holiday, so I was a little surprised when he hadn't contacted me after a couple of days of me being back in the UK. Nada, nothing. After 4 days I finally cracked and sent a short message, something along the lines of, How are you, can't believe how cold it is in the UK now (ie hinty hint I'm back), that sort of thing. Absolutely nothing.

I didn't hear anything from him for a week.

By this point I was frantically asking any female within 10 metres of me what the hell I should do. Text him again? Ask him what the hell was going on? Facebook stalk him? Maybe he's lost his phone? Maybe he's met someone else? Maybe he's had a terrible accident? Oh god what should I do?!

I did what any girl does in this situation. I watched He's Just Not that Into You, taking fervent notes.

Turns out, if a guy's not texting you back, He's Just Not that Into You. If he never complimented you, He's Just Not that Into You. If he never invited you round, or introduced you to his friends, He's Just Not that Into You. If he's still friends with his long-term ex, he's probably, very, Just Not that Into You.

So, I decided to cut the crap and just text him, asking him, with a little irony, hey stranger, where have you been? Fancy a drink this week? PLEEEEAAAASE?! (I didn't add the desperate please.)

Nothing. 2 days later, he finally replied. 'Hey, sorry I haven't got in contact, while you were on holiday I sort of got back with my ex and now we're together again. Sorry. Would be really cool to still meet up for a drink as friends though?'

Gah. My gut feeling was right all along. There was something more about that damn ex of his. And do you know what, I was way more upset about it all than I thought I would have been. Perhaps because this has now happened to me THREE times in my life (guys getting back with their exes), perhaps because he was the first guy in three years that I actually liked. Perhaps I just don't like getting my ego bruised. And so, the drought continues.

Also, I was a bit angry at how much of a coward he'd been. He'd clearly just been ignoring my text because he didn't know how to break it to me. Well, I'm sorry, grow up. Don't leave me hanging and worrying, it's not fair. I thought it was hilarious how he wanted to meet up as friends too - I'm sure his girlfriend would love that!! I told him as much, good luck with everything, goodbye.

So we're pretty much up to date. I wanted to hibernate forever after that, but decided to a) delve back into online dating and b) set up this blog. Time to start blogging in the present I feel!